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17. The Corona Pirates

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We’re BACK!!! Did you miss us? We totally missed you! Join Garrett and Yury this week for some catch up time. Hear WHY we were not able to record and what we plan to do going forward. (HINT: We will be recording again). This week we discuss, The Corona Pirates, Ironically crashing into a Taco Bell sign, an exorcism broken up in a Pennsylvania Home Depot store among other things. Don’t forget to stick around to the end to hear our Dummy Of the Week. You will NOT be disappointed we promise!

Find us on all the socials @ThisWeekIsDumb and call us on the FANDUMB line at (888) FAN-DUMB

Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | iHeartRadio | PlayerFM | Pandora

Episode Transcript

Garrett:                So, I guess we just roll into it? Just have a conversation?

Yury:                      Yeah. Are you doing the music intro?

Garrett:                Of course I’m going to do the music intro.

Yury:                      All right.

Garrett:                I have to do my dance. It gets me going, you know?

Yury:                      Your dance gets me going.

Garrett:                I got to tell you man, I missed you.

Yury:                      Same.

Garrett:                It’s been far too long. I don’t realize, I don’t know why we took so long in between recordings, but goddamn, I miss talking to you.

Yury:                      COVID.

Garrett:                Did you have COVID?

Yury:                      No. Didn’t you have COVID?

Garrett:                No, I thought you… wait.

Yury:                      Oh, this whole break was just a big misunderstanding then.

Garrett:                Goddamn it! We really got to get better about our communication, dude. Seriously.

Yury:                      Also, COVID if you’d like to sponsor our podcast…

Garrett:                The answer is fuck no.

Voice Over:         It’s time for the, This Week Is Dumb Podcast. A chance for you to disconnect from reality for a bit, and hear about some of the dumb things that we found this week. Now, here are your hosts, Garrett and Yury.

Garrett:                Hey everybody. Welcome to This Week Is Dumb. And, boy I’ll tell you what. It has been, it’s been a little bit since we’ve had a chance to talk with you. And quite frankly, it’s been a little bit since I’ve had a chance to talk to Yury. And so this episode, we’re probably not going to do anything fun, Yury and I are just going to talk and catch up. And if you want to stick around, you can. Nah, I’m just kidding. We’re not really that interesting. Are we, Yury?

Yury:                      I would say, we’re somewhat interesting. I think we’re getting more interesting. At least, that’s what my mom says.

Garrett:                Funny. I was just about to say, that’s what my mom was saying, too. I actually went and saw my parents last week. And my mom says to me, when is your next podcast episode coming out? And I’m like, listen Mother Bundy, it’ll be out when it comes out.

Yury:                      Mother Bundy. It sounds like a derogatory term. But for some reason when you say it, it just sounds endearing.

Garrett:                Seriously. That’s what I call her now. Every time I talk to her on the phone, because I talk to her on a regular basis I say, hey, Mother Bundy. And she still laughs every single time.

Yury:                      Mother Bundy.

Garrett:                Oh, my gosh.

Yury:                      We’re back. It’s been what? Six months?

Garrett:                Six and a half actually, I think.

Yury:                      Six and a half months?

Garrett:                Yeah.

Yury:                      It feels like six and a half months.

Garrett:                COVID is still a thing, right?

Yury:                      COVID is, kind of? I mean, we’ve said no masks. But, now they’re saying masks. Possibly because Delta Air Lines has a new COVID variant-

Garrett:                No, no. No, dude. No, no. It’s not Delta Air Lines. It’s not Delta Air Lines.

Yury:                      It’s not Delta Air Lines?

Garrett:                No, no. The Delta variant is what’s been-

Yury:                      I don’t know, man. I’m not hip to pop culture-

Garrett:                Yeah, but I… Look, I’m not going to get all political on this podcast, but I’m vaccinated. You’re vaccinated.

Yury:                      Same.

Garrett:                So… Who… I’m not worried about, well, I guess I’m still worried about it for the kids. But I’m not worried about catching the Delta variant, because I got vaccinated. And if you haven’t been vaccinated, stop listening to the podcast, go to whatever vaccination site they have in your area and just get the damn shot, people.

Yury:                      Correct. And as usual, Delta Air Lines, if you would like to sponsor our podcast…

Garrett:                We would definitely be open to that.

Yury:                      Delta, we know that you’re not the carrier of the COVID Delta. I mean, they could be. It’s plausible that a corporation like Delta Air Lines had something to do with the Delta variant.

Garrett:                You don’t subscribe that whole, Bill Gates and the microchip or the magnetism in the arm when you get the shot or anything, do you?

Yury:                      Absolutely! That’s why I got the vaccine. Because I thought that’s how you activate the 5G network.

Garrett:                My wife… So obviously, like I said, we’re all vaccinated in the house. My wife, we all still wear masks when we go outside, because we have little kids that can’t be vaccinated yet. And so, we want to keep them safe, right?

Yury:                      Sure.

Garrett:                And so, my wife wants to get a tattoo on her forehead that says vaccinated AF. So people understand that, even though she’s wearing a mask, it’s not because she’s not vaccinated. It’s because we’re still trying to protect other people.

Yury:                      Yeah. We wear masks too, because our kids wear masks. And mostly it’s because, one time we went out and I put the mask on my daughter and she says, why do I have to wear a mask? I said, well, some people are sick. She calls it the corona pirates.

Garrett:                Corona pirates?

Yury:                      Yeah. And…

Garrett:                I think we just found the episode title.

Yury:                      Correct. And she said, why aren’t you wearing a mask? And I, instead of having the whole conversation of vaccinations, I was just like yeah, you’re right. I’ll go get a mask.

Garrett:                And how old is your daughter at this point?

Yury:                      She’s 24.

Garrett:                So you’ve got… wait. No, that’s not true.

Yury:                      She’s five.

Garrett:                So you got schooled by your five year old, basically. And she said, daddy, you’re an idiot. Put your mask on.

Yury:                      Yeah. And the older she gets, the more that’s happening.

Garrett:                That’s fair.

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                I… because it has been so long and, it was kind of weird. I felt like I didn’t get my weekly dose of dumbness in. And it just, it felt off. And so I was really, really excited as I was going through the news this week. And I started thinking about, what is it I want to talk about? And, I came up with some things and I came up with a couple of different articles and I thought, you know what? Taco Bell.

Yury:                      Yeah. I’m a fan.

Garrett:                We started the whole podcast talking about Taco Bell. And this was back in episode one. And by the way, if you haven’t listened to episode one… don’t. It’s crap.

Yury:                      Don’t. It’s just terrible.

Garrett:                Yeah. Don’t even go back there.

Yury:                      Yeah. Unless you’re trying to make a podcast and you want to figure out examples of what not to do. We’re immediately sending our entire audience right now back to episode one.

Garrett:                Yeah.

Yury:                      Unwittingly.

Garrett:                All of a sudden, our episode one downloads are going to spike-

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                God, that really was shit. I’m never listening to another episode again. And I wouldn’t blame you, just for the record. So…

Yury:                      Yeah. And if that tactic works, then every episode from here on out will be, definitely do not subscribe to this channel. Do not listen or download or tell your friends about us.

Garrett:                You know, before we get into Taco Bell, that’s a really good point. Hey, for those of you listening, please like and subscribe to the podcast. Leave us a five star review on Apple Podcasts. It really does help us get the word out about this show. And, we wouldn’t be here without Dumberellas, right? So thank you for listening and for sticking with us, even though we took a little hiatus for Yury’s COVID infection.

Yury:                      I did not have COVID.

Garrett:                You told me you had COVID and that’s why we couldn’t record!

Yury:                      Garrett actually had a mild case of IBS and he basically had diarrhea for about four or five weeks. It was pretty bad.

Garrett:                I couldn’t get off the shitter for four weeks, man. I just sat there for days.

Yury:                      How is your colon doing? Is your colon doing better?

Garrett:                My colon is doing great. Thanks for asking. I went and got it checked out-

Yury:                      Your colon health is my top priority.

Garrett:                I don’t even know what to say.

Yury:                      And also, Garrett’s colon, if you’d like to sponsor our podcast…

Garrett:                This is Garrett’s colon. I’m happy to sponsor the podcast.

Yury:                      You know, it’s odd. If your colon did make a noise, that’s not the voice that I had in my head.

Garrett:                Really? What would the voice sound like that you have in your head?

Yury:                      The voice of your colon, if I were to imagine it in my head, would have a posh British accent.

Garrett:                I’d love to hear what that sounds like, Yury. Can you please give me an example?

Yury:                      I mean, I’m not an impressionist. But, I would think it would sound something like the friendly female giving you GPS directions.

Garrett:                Hello governor, turn right on the next street.

Yury:                      All right. I said it was a posh British accent, not Benny Hill.

Garrett:                Benny Hill and the hillbillies?

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                Isn’t that like, a band from Disneyland? God, I miss Disneyland.

Yury:                      Wow. This conversation is really weaving and wagging.

Garrett:                This is why the Dumberellas tune in to listen to us, man.

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                They want to hear all about our lives and they could care less about the news.

Yury:                      I’m actually going to switch it up and start calling them the Dumbadinos. And that was a recommendation from Harry, one of our past guests. Dumbadinos.

Garrett:                Dumbadinos?

Yury:                      Yeah. The Dumbadinos.

Garrett:                Yet another word that I’m going to have to manually type into the transcript. Thank you for that.

Yury:                      Dumbadinos. We should start thinking of words to trick the transcript generator, and just play a game to see how close it gets.

Garrett:                How close it can get?

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                I got to tell you, I actually made a list of people that reached out during our absence that were asking us hey, where are you guys? When can I get another episode? Matter of fact, Yury, we got a text message. What was it yesterday? From Harry, basically saying, hey guys, when’s the next episode happening? And I believe your response was perfect. And you said, it’s coming. Just fucking wait.

Yury:                      Yeah. Dumbadinos, calm down. Garrett’s colon needs to heal physically and emotionally. And spiritually.

Garrett:                How do you emotionally and spiritually heal a colon?

Yury:                      You ever eaten Taco Bell?

Garrett:                You know, that’s a great segue into the first thing that I found this week.

Garrett:                And by the way, not only are we talking about Taco Bell, there was this article that I was reading about Taco Bell. But, I want to give you a chance to guess what state this Taco Bell was in. Just guess any of the states out there.

Yury:                      Does it rhyme with Florida?

Garrett:                It does rhyme with Florida.

Yury:                      I’m really good at this game.

Garrett:                You are really good at this game. And what I found super funny about this, is the article is about a woman who crashes into a Taco Bell sign while driving drunk.

Yury:                      Like you do.

Garrett:                I mean, that by itself is whatever, right? Woman crashes into a Taco Bell sign. She’s driving drunk. Drunk driving, don’t do it. Don’t be dumb. Don’t drive when you’ve been drinking. Just common sense, right?

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                But what really made me laugh is this is the, the Department of Irony department. This woman’s last name is booze.

Yury:                      Her last name is booze?

Garrett:                Booze.

Yury:                      Oh, man.

Garrett:                B-O-O-Z-E.

Yury:                      Her parents didn’t even give her a chance.

Garrett:                I mean, if your last name is Booze, and you’re out boozing it up and drinking, don’t you think you might not want to drive? Because, could you imagine the cop pulling her over or the cop showing up on the scene and checking her ID? Can you imagine what would be going through their heads?

Yury:                      Aside from that, I think the general rule of thumb, as we’ve talked about it in past episodes. If the cop giggles, she is free to go. At least, that’s going to be the rule. Again, if I’m made governor. I don’t know if governors can even make laws like that.

Garrett:                Did you submit your name to be a governor yet? Because here in California, they’re recalling the governor, so…

Yury:                      I did see that. But, can you, is there a website where you just submit your name to become a governor?

Garrett:                Well, I think all you have to do is go to the California Secretary of State site and download a piece of paper and get 20 signatures and pay 500 bucks. Dude, I will pay the 500 bucks to get your name on the ballot. Please do it.

Yury:                      I’m going to go on record and say, I think that there’s probably a little more to it than that simple analysis. 20 signatures, 500 bucks.

Garrett:                How long have you lived in this state?

Yury:                      Almost my entire life.

Garrett:                And you really think there’s more to being the governor of this state than just getting a few signatures and paying 500 bucks?

Yury:                      I mean, touché.

Garrett:                Since we’re talking about cops, I want to tell you about this other thing that I found. I don’t know why, what is it with cops and these stories? I don’t know. The other thing that just absolutely had me on the floor laughing when I read it today. It’s about a Home Depot in Pennsylvania. On the scene, on the top of things, it’s just normal Home Depot, right? What could be funny about Home Depot? I love Home Depot, oh my God.

Yury:                      Nothing. You let me loose in a Home Depot, and I can spend three hours there.

Garrett:                I used to be a Lowe’s fan and I went to Lowe’s for everything.

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                But then I started going to Home Depot and it’s a little bit farther away, but I’m like, you know what? I’m going to give Home Depot a try. The thing I hated about Lowe’s is I could never find anybody to help me.

Yury:                      Right.

Garrett:                When I walk into Home Depot, there are so many people there to help you. You’re never short of people that can jump in and help you.

Yury:                      Right. And my thing is, Lowe’s is kind of the showroom of construction hardware stores. Everything’s really nicely lit. The aisles are really wide. Whereas, every time I’m in a Home Depot, it feels more like a swap meet. There’s something about it that just seems kind of rough and… We’ll be driving and I’ll pull over and I’ll tell my wife, hey, I just need to run into Home Depot real quick. And the first question is always, well, what do you need at Home Depot? And my answer is always: How do I know what I need, unless I walk up and down every aisle and see what they have? Because there’s probably 15 home improvement projects that I don’t even know about that need to be done-

Garrett:                That’s right.

Yury:                      Today.

Garrett:                And by the way, Home Depot, if you’d like to sponsor our podcast, please reach out. We’re talking about this thing that made me hysterically laugh at Home Depot. Because, in Pennsylvania, the police were called to break up an exorcism that was being conducted inside the Home Depot.

Yury:                      Exorcism in the Home Depot?

Garrett:                Exorcism happening in the lumber aisle of a Home Depot.

Yury:                      Well, yeah. I mean, if you’re going to have an exorcism, that’s where you have it. Although, sometimes I walk up and down the light bulb aisle and lights will start turning off and on. So really, that would be where I would have the exorcism. Because there’s some creepy shit happening in the light bulb aisle.

Garrett:                See. Now, that to me makes more sense. I couldn’t figure out why it had to be in the lumber section.

Yury:                      Yeah. Did they think the lumber was haunted? Did they think it was possessed?

Garrett:                Well, I’m glad you asked, because the reason they were in the lumber section. According to the police report, it was held for the trees that had been turned into lumber.

Yury:                      I’m sorry. Can you say that again? I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

Garrett:                So you know how they make lumber, right? They cut down a tree-

Yury:                      I’m familiar.

Garrett:                They chop it up. They do all, whatever they’re going to do to it. And then it shows up at your Home Depot and you can buy it.

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                So apparently, these people decided the trees that had been turned into lumber needed to be exercised in order to-

Yury:                      Be free spiritually?

Garrett:                I, I don’t know. I got nothing. The police department, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen, police departments have Facebook pages that post all the things that are happening.

Yury:                      Yeah. They do.

Garrett:                So the police department posted it on it and somebody said, of course they did. May the price of plywood come down. The name of Christ compels you. Lower the price of plywood, lower the price of plywood.

Yury:                      Plywood is getting up there. Worth it’s weight in gold apparently.

Garrett:                Why is wood so damn expensive right now? Is it the pandemic?

Yury:                      I don’t know. There’s not enough wood slaughterhouses? According to these people that are doing exorcisms?

Garrett:                Or is it because they’re possessed, and they don’t want you to buy it?

Yury:                      Yeah. Let’s go with that.

Garrett:                All right. Sounds good.

Yury:                      So, I think it’s been a while since we’ve played our game, actually.

Garrett:                Let’s play the game.

Yury:                      Let’s do it.

Garrett:                So, I have a question for you, Yury.

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                We don’t have a guest this week.

Yury:                      No.

Garrett:                It’s just us.

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                How are we going to play this game?

Yury:                      The same way we always play. I’m going to read some questions, give you possible answers. You’ll probably give me the wrong answer, and then we’ll move on to the next question. Rinse and repeat.

Garrett:                Why do you have so little faith in me, dude?

Yury:                      Prove me wrong.

Garrett:                All right. I’m going to prove you wrong today. You just wait. Let’s go. I’m ready. Hit me.

Yury:                      Let’s do it.

Garrett:                Don’t actually hit me. Just give me the question.

Yury:                      All right, Garrett. Again, we’ve been doing this a while, so you should be familiar with the game. I actually pulled these news headlines today. These are actual news headlines. I’m going to leave one word blank. I will give you three possible answers. One of them is correct. Two I completely made up. Are you ready?

Garrett:                No.

Yury:                      We’re going to continue anyway.

Garrett:                Okay.

Yury:                      Question number one: An Italian museum, that means a museum that’s in Italy. That’s what that means. An Italian museum is using blank to clean Michael Angelo’s statues? And I should note, as a sidebar. They’re cleaning the statues because they’re full of corpses. I didn’t know this until I read the article, but apparently that’s a thing. Anyways, let me tell-

Garrett:                I’m sorry. No. No, I have to stop you right there. The statues are full of corpses?

Yury:                      According to this article, and I’ll read you a little bit of the article, if that helps you with your answers before I give you the answers. It says, nearly 500 years ago, Duke Alessandro de Medici, was lured with the promise of spending the night with a beautiful widow, but instead met the knife of an assassin hired by his cousin who stabbed him to death. And the ruler of Florence’s body was placed in his father’s tomb. And now, apparently he’s leaking.

Garrett:                That didn’t help me at all. Go ahead. What are my options, because I’m not going to get this one?

Yury:                      It sounds like, this could be a Netflix special.

Garrett:                Oh! Make the treatment and let’s pitch it to Netflix. They’ll buy anything, dude.

Yury:                      That’s true. That’s true. An Italian museum is using blank to clean Michelangelo’s statues? Your possible answers are: Windex. Which by the way, does clean, in fact, anything. Pigeon saliva? Or, flesh eating bacteria? Starting with you, Garrett, because you’re the only other player in this game today.

Garrett:                I was going to say, how can you start with me if I’m the only one that’s guessing?

Yury:                      We’re going to start and end with you, Garrett.

Garrett:                All right. First of all, I’m extremely disturbed that Michelangelo’s statue… Is it one statue or multiple statues?

Yury:                      Let’s go with multiple statues.

Garrett:                All right. I’m extremely disturbed that Michelangelo’s statues have dead bodies in them.

Yury:                      Allegedly!

Garrett:                Allegedly.

Yury:                      Allegedly. If we’re using the rule of thumb that everything on the internet is factually correct, then yes.

Garrett:                All right. So I’ve got three options. Windex, which as Yury said, Windex can get anything out of anything. And all it does is leave behind about 12,000 streaks.

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                Oh, by the way, Windex, if you’d like to sponsor our podcast, please feel free to contact us.

Yury:                      Hold on. Let me read the rest of this article. It says, in November 2019, Italy’s National Research Council figured out why these statutes are starting to look so grimy. Bodily fluids leaking from the improperly embalmed corpse of Alessandro de Medici, along with other compounds, accumulated over time from glue and plaster. Alessandro’s fluids, #gross, had seeped into the statutes of Dusk and Dawn that adorned his father’s tomb. There you go.

Garrett:                So pigeon saliva, which is the second option. Or flesh eating… Oh, okay. I’m going to immediately rule out flesh eating bacteria.

Yury:                      Okay.

Garrett:                Because, why would you use flesh eating bacteria to clean something that is covered in human remains? I don’t know. I just, that doesn’t make sense to me at all.

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                Pigeon saliva, I’m super interested in. But I think it’s going to be the obvious one. And so I’m going to go with Windex, because A) Windex gets everything out of anything and B) I really want them to sponsor us. So, I’m going to say Windex.

Yury:                      Okay. I’m going to say, I also use Windex for everything, even things you shouldn’t even use Windex. I mean, mouthwash, athlete’s foot spray. You can use it for anything.

Garrett:                Kids. Don’t try this at home, please.

Yury:                      Anna Rosa Sprocati… God, I love Italian names. A biologist at the Italian National Agency for New Technologies, hand-picked from her catalog of more than 1000 bacteria to test against the stains. So the answer was flesh eating bacteria. Basically they discovered this flesh eating bacteria properly cleaned the stains off of the marble. Gross.

Garrett:                Who is handling the flesh eating bacteria, and how did they not get sick? Because, that would be my biggest concern with that. Who decided, hey, new guy, here’s what you’re going to do. Here’s some bacteria… It’s flesh eating, but don’t tell him. Go over to the statue, and use your bare hand and wipe it on there.

Yury:                      Yeah. I’m going to pump some of this liquid gel into your hand. And just kind of rub it over its face.

Garrett:                You’re good. It’s just like hand sanitizer. Don’t worry, buddy. You’ll be fine.

Yury:                      Just wash your hands really quick, after.

Yury:                      All right. Well, that’s negative one point starting off for you, Garrett.

Garrett:                It’s happening. It’s happening, Yury. I’m going to get the next one right.

Yury:                      It’s already happened. Don’t fool yourself. All right. For your second question: A man was arrested for allegedly stealing 21 tons of blank?

Garrett:                Poop.

Yury:                      Poop. 21 tons of poop?

Garrett:                Yep.

Yury:                      Yeah. A man was arrested for allegedly stealing 21 tons of… And your answers possibly are: Lysol wipes, pistachios or salmon. What do you think?

Garrett:                Lysol wipes, pistachios or salmon? 21 tons of something, this man gets arrested for.

Yury:                      How would you steal 21? Tons of anything?

Garrett:                I’m thinking maybe… You know what? I got this one. I got it. I don’t even have to go and work through the whole thing, Yury. The guy was a captain on a ship.

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                So we had all this cargo space.

Yury:                      Okay.

Garrett:                And he was trying to sell some salmon.

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                And he was like, ooh, I’m going to skim a little bit off the top.

Yury:                      Okay.

Garrett:                He stole 21 tons of salmon, and that he tried to resell it. And that’s when he got in trouble. Because somebody said, hey, this tastes just like the Costco salmon. Where did you get this from?

Yury:                      That’s amazing. Did you actually read this article?

Garrett:                I didn’t.

Yury:                      I’m aware of that, because you didn’t get the right answer.

Garrett:                Oh, what else is new?

Yury:                      Actually, in Tulare County, California, a routine audit by a central California pistachio producer earlier this month revealed that a whopping 21 tons of nuts were missing. Basically, a man was caught stealing the pistachios. I guess they use them to repackage them into little sacks for resale. By the way, I’m not condoning theft of pistachios. But holy crap, pistachios are delicious. I start a bag of pistachios and I’ll kill it.

Garrett:                They are amazing. And they’re healthy! So it’s fine if you eat an entire bag of them, right?

Yury:                      I’ve ended up on the toilet because I’ve eaten an entire bag of them. I wouldn’t go as far as to say they’re healthy, or maybe it’s just moderation-

Garrett:                How is your colon health?

Yury:                      Not good, because pistachios are delicious.

Garrett:                Well, I should have known the answer to this question and I’m super ashamed now. And Mother Bundy, because I know you’re going to listen to this, I apologize. My parents live in Tulare County.

Yury:                      Ooh.

Garrett:                So I really should have known that.

Yury:                      They don’t have a pistachio resale business happening, do they?

Garrett:                They do not, but my uncle has a bunch of pistachio trees on his property. I don’t know if that means anything to anybody or if that’s just a random useless fact, but it is true.

Yury:                      I’m going to expect pistachios from the Bundy household for Christmas this year.

Garrett:                It’s on its way.

Yury:                      All right. Negative two points for Garrett.

Garrett:                Hold on. Hold on. Before we get to the last question, isn’t it true that the last question is worth 500 points? So all I really have to do is get this last one correct, right?

Yury:                      I switched it. Actually this game, the first question was worth 500 points.

Garrett:                How do you change the rules like that? That’s not cool, dude.

Yury:                      It’s a sliding scale. Tell you what I’m going to do. If you can get this question correct, I will award you 500 points making you the winner of this week’s Fill In The Dumb.

Garrett:                All right, I’m in. Let’s do it. Go!

Yury:                      This is in Wisconsin. A Walmart employee tackles blank inside the store?

Garrett:                Salmon.

Yury:                      A Walmart employee tackles a blank inside the store?

Garrett:                Oh, you said a blank. So that changes my answer. I’m sorry, go ahead.

Yury:                      Well, I wouldn’t go that far. Your possible answers are, A) naked shoplifter-

Garrett:                I’m in.

Yury:                      B) a live deer or C) a mannequin display consisting of 10 mannequins. What are your thoughts?

Garrett:                Well, my thoughts are, what city or what state was this again?

Yury:                      This was in Wisconsin.

Garrett:                Wisconsin. My thoughts are, I need to go to Wisconsin. So, Walmart employee, by the way, have you ever been to the website peopleofwalmart.com?

Yury:                      No, but this sounds captivating.

Garrett:                Are you serious? You’ve never been to peopleofwalmart.com?

Yury:                      I have not.

Garrett:                Oh. Okay, well, while I’m figuring out the answer to this question Yury, go into a browser and go, just look up peopleofwalmart.com. You will not be disappointed.

Yury:                      All right. Let me look at this.

Garrett:                So a Walmart employee tackles a blank inside the store. A naked shoplifter, a live deer, or a mannequin display consisting of 10 mannequins. I don’t think it’s the mannequin display. I’m going to go ahead and rule that one out. It’s definitely not that one. So is it a naked shoplifter or was it a live deer?

Yury:                      That is the question.

Garrett:                All right. So I’m going to rule out mannequin display consisting of 10. That doesn’t make sense to me. That’s just something you came up with because you’re trying to be creative.

Yury:                      But, would I be that creative to limit it to an exact number of ten?

Garrett:                That’s the kind of shit you would do. Let’s be super honest. You do anything you can to try to trick me with these questions. I could imagine you sitting there at your desk going, how am I going to fuck with Garrett this week?

Yury:                      Hold on. Before we continue with this, I am looking at this People Of Walmart. It’s basically an Instagram. It’s like a really weird Instagram for just Walmarts. And there are just some, wow. There are just some wacky shit on here.

Garrett:                Walmart, if you’d like to sponsor our podcast-

Yury:                      Don’t.

Garrett:                Nevermind. Just kidding. Maybe we… Target, if you’d like to sponsor our podcast. Target, the store where you’ll pay a little bit more so you don’t have to go to Walmart to buy something.

Yury:                      Target’s slogan should just be, Target: Not Walmart since 2001 or something.

Garrett:                Got my business. Could we get back to the game here? I’ve ruled out the mannequin display. So now we’re down to a naked shoplifter or a live deer.

Yury:                      Okay.

Garrett:                You said it’s Wisconsin.

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                So there are in fact, deer in Wisconsin. I mean, I guess there’s deer in a lot of places, but Wisconsin probably has a lot of deer.

Yury:                      I’m sure they do.

Garrett:                But again, I feel like that is just too obvious. And it’s just something you tried to throw in there again, to throw me off, because the actual answer is, the Walmart employee tackle the naked shoplifter inside the store. Final answer. Tell me I won this one.

Yury:                      Now theoretically, if the deer was stealing something, the deer is not wearing clothes. So the deer could have been a naked shoplifter.

Garrett:                Mind. Blown.

Yury:                      Well, a deer wandered into a Walmart store in Wisconsin and was subsequently tackled and ejected from the business by an employee.

Garrett:                Hold on. How do you eject a deer from a business?

Yury:                      How do you tackle a deer? That wouldn’t be my first thought. But maybe if you live in Wisconsin, that’s your natural instinct, when you see a deer is to tackle it.

Garrett:                That’s a thing?

Yury:                      In Wisconsin, it is.

Garrett:                Apparently.

Yury:                      So they tackled it and issued it a trespass warning, apparently.

Garrett:                That come with a fine that the deer has to pay?

Yury:                      Oh deer.

Garrett:                And does that fine consist of jerky? Was that too dark?

Yury:                      No.

Garrett:                Okay.

Yury:                      But you missed my oh deer joke.

Garrett:                Oh no, I didn’t miss it. I just chose to ignore it. There are certain things I just let fly and hope the listeners don’t actually hear. And I just try to move past it. And oh deer, that was one of them.

Yury:                      It does say the animal did not appear to be injured and was last seen running away from the store. I’m thinking the deer was also a shoplifter.

Garrett:                Hold on. I’m going to go back to something. How do you eject a deer from a store?

Yury:                      I don’t know, but they caught it on video.

Garrett:                Oh, there’s a video of this? Is it on peopleofwalmart.com?

Yury:                      It probably is. If I can get the video to load, we will post it to our site.

Garrett:                You know how many times you’ve said that in an episode, and we’ve never posted anything?

Yury:                      It’s a podcast. The whole thing is based on lies. Well, Garrett, you’ve got negative three. Actually you got negative 502, because the last question was worth 500 points. So once again, I am crowning you the loser.

Garrett:                Even after your COVID sickness, and us taking six months off because of-

Yury:                      I did not have COVID!

Garrett:                Even after my COVID sickness… No wait, I didn’t have COVID either. Damn it! I still can’t beat this stupid game and I don’t understand.

Yury:                      You know what we’ll try next week? Cheating.

Garrett:                What the hell are you drinking?

Yury:                      Soleli Sparkling Water Beverage. It’s funny, it’s says sparkling water beverage. Why did they have to continue on and say beverage? They could have stopped at sparkling water.

Garrett:                I’m just glad it’s not LaCroix. Have you ever seen the LaCroix?

Yury:                      I have seen the LaCroix.

Garrett:                It doesn’t matter how you say it, you still sound like an asshole when you say LaCroix.

Yury:                      You do. It sounds very bougie. Yeah. This is strawberry flavored sparkling water beverage. With other natural flavors.

Garrett:                Wait, what are the other natural flavors in there?

Yury:                      Fuck if I know.

Garrett:                Well, on that note, now that we’ve learned all about your drinking habits, Yury-

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                I think we should talk about our Dummy Of The Week. What do you think?

Yury:                      Let’s do it.

Voice Over:         It’s time for the Dummy Of The Week. Oh, who will it be? Let’s find out!

Garrett:                This is probably the dumbest Dummy Of The Week I’ve ever come across. Yury, our Dummy Of The Week this week doesn’t come from Florida.

Yury:                      Amazing and shocking.

Garrett:                Doesn’t come from Tennessee.

Yury:                      Okay.

Garrett:                Doesn’t even come from the east coast-

Yury:                      Which is rare-

Garrett:                Which is rare, especially for the articles that we tend to talk about.

Yury:                      Right.

Garrett:                Our Dummy Of The Week this week however, comes from our backyard, Yury. And comes from Southern California.

Yury:                      Okay, I’m interested.

Garrett:                Yury, the Dummy Of The Week this week goes to… You and I, because we didn’t put out a podcast episode for the last six and a half months.

Yury:                      Duh! If it wasn’t for the fact that you were spitting facts back into my earphones right now, I would disagree with you. But, you are absolutely correct.

Garrett:                So, I can’t think of any more fitting Dummy Of The Week than to say, hey Dumberellas, we apologize for being the dummies of the last few weeks and not getting you an episode. But hey, we’re back. We’re in your ears. You can hear us now. And, we’ll try not to be dumb anymore.

Voice Over:         That was the Dummy Of The Week.

Garrett:                Well, I think that’s about enough for this return episode of This Week Is Dumb. I got to say man, as much as this takes time for us to put these things together, I really enjoy this time with you, Yury. I enjoy putting something out there for the Dumberonis, Dumberellas, whatever they’re called.

Yury:                      Dumbadinos.

Garrett:                Dumbadinos, that’s the word. I enjoy putting stuff out there for the Dumbadinos. And frankly, my favorite part about this whole thing, is the interaction we have with you.

Yury:                      Virtually. On a screen. Via FaceTime. Which is not actually FaceTime.

Garrett:                Why you got to be such a downer?

Yury:                      FaceTime would probably work better than… Apple, if you’d like to sponsor our podcast-

Garrett:                Yury, I’ve got it. You know what? We have hit the big time with this podcast. We’ve got a lot of subscriptions, a lot of followers. I think we need to do a live podcast recording.

Yury:                      I think we might need to.

Garrett:                I think we got to find some big venue, pay a shit ton of money to the venue.

Yury:                      Yeah.

Garrett:                Host it and hope at least five people show up so we can do a live podcast recording.

Yury:                      Madison Square Garden.

Garrett:                Oh my God, that’s it.

Yury:                      I know.

Garrett:                We’re in.

Yury:                      It’s going to be awkward doing a podcast in a completely empty Madison Square Garden. Security is going to get calls. Who are these two weirdos in here? We’ve been closed for hours.

Garrett:                They just snuck in. I don’t know.

Yury:                      We just snuck in yeah…

Garrett:                Well, anyway. We really enjoy interacting with you despite what Yury may have said. Please remember to connect with us on Instagram @thisweeksidumb. Follow us on Facebook at thisweeksidumb. Connect with us on TikTok @thisweekisdumb. Man, we have-

Yury:                      Just have all the stuff. You can just summarize it. All the stuff.

Garrett:                At this point in time, we’re on all the social media. So, please connect with us. Remember, leave us that five star review. Oh, and by the way, don’t forget. We have the FANDUMB line. 888-FANDUMB. 8-8-8-F-A-N-D-U-M-B. And you too can leave your message, and be a part of our show.

Yury:                      Agreed.

Garrett:                That’s all you’re going to add?

Yury:                      I mean-

Garrett:                I think we have to… So Yury, you were doing really good as we were doing episodes towards the last year before we took our little break, because of your COVID infection.

Yury:                      Oh for fuck’s sake.

Garrett:                But now I think you’re going back to your 32%. So, we’re going to have to really talk about this.

Yury:                      Oh, call me dumb.

Garrett:                You’re dumb.

Yury:                      Well, you know what they say. Everywhere you go, there you are.

Garrett:                And with that, hey, I guess we’ll see you next week, and have a good one. Say goodbye, Yury.

Yury:                      I was going to say see you next week, but we don’t actually see anybody on this podcast. Take care, everyone. Be safe until next week.

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