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18. Billions & Burgers

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This week Garrett and Yury discuss a bank error of billions of dollars, in someone’s favor (it’s like real life monopoly), the best and worst burger joints in town and a new type of cocaine for all the vegans out there. Stick around to the end where you will learn how to tell the world’s best knock knock joke!

Call the FAN-DUMB line (888) FAN-DUMB and connect with us on all the social media platforms @ThisWeekIsDumb

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Episode Transcript

Voice Over: It’s time for the this week is dumb podcast. A chance for you to disconnect from reality for a bit and hear about some of the dumb things that we found this week. Now, here are your hosts, Garrett and Yury

Garrett: Hi everybody. Welcome into episode number 18. God, I think it’s episode number 18. I’ll have to double check that maybe it’s not episode 18.

So I dunno. I think it’s episode number 18,

Yury: Also known as season two episode two,

Garrett: Season two episode two. Yeah, absolutely. It’s coming .

Yury: The return of the Jedi’s. I don’t know.

Garrett: Did you become a Jedi overnight?

Yury: I don’t even know what a Jedi is. I’m not a star wars fan.

Garrett: Oh my God, dude.

Yury: Have you ever eaten at Five Guys?

Garrett: Oh God, I love Five Guys. Haven’t been there in a while though.

Yury:  Okay. First of all, we can’t be friends because their food is disgusting.

Garrett: Their fries are delicious.

Yury: It’s been years since I’ve gone to Five Guys and we went to lunch and we couldn’t decide where to go. And it was one of those things where he went to like a strip mall and there’s like three different places.

There’s like a Chipotle, Five Guys, and then some other place. So I said, you know, I haven’t been Five Guys in a while. Uh, I’m gonna try Five Guys.

Garrett:  Okay.

Yury: Go up to the counter order, just a plain cheeseburger, plain, just a regular cheeseburger. We’re not talking like, well, hold on. We’re not talking like bacon or like adding onion rings or whatever, fancy things that they have. Burgers, uh, just a plain cheeseburger.

Garrett: Okay.

Yury: An order of fries and a drink.

Garrett: Were they Cajun fries or regular fries?

Yury: Regular fries. I wasn’t even aware that they had cajun option.

Garrett: Oh, they’re delicious

Yury: So burger, excuse me, cheeseburger, regular fries, soft drink. Which in any normal establishment would be considered some type of a combo meal.

Garrett: Okay. That’s fair.

Yury: Five Guys does not do combo meals.

Garrett: Yep.

Yury:  Unless I’m just in, unless I’m an idiot and I just didn’t see the numbers.

Garrett: You’re not an idiot. You have to buy everything separate. That’s the way they do it.

Yury: Cheeseburger fries drink I’m at the counter. There’s people behind me. The guy gives me the total.

It’s like $19.74 or something.

And I thought I misheard him and I said, I’m sorry, what was it? He said, “$19.74”. I already had my credit card in my hand. And at that point you’re kind of committed, like

Yeah, you’re committed. You’re not going to like back out of it at that point. And I remember I swipe my card. I’m like kind of dazed like somebody punched me in the head and.

I remember he asked me, he said, do you want your receipt? I said, oh fucking 100%. I want my receipt, cause clearly an error has been made. So he hands me the receipt and I’m reviewing it like the FBI reviews documents. Uh, I’m looking at the paperwork and by paperwork, I just mean receipt

Garrett: The receipt, yeah got it.

Yury:  And uh, I found an error. Do you know what the error was? I chose to eat at Five Guys that day.

Garrett: I was going to say, Hey, you chose to eat there at all. So yeah.

Yury: $19 for burger fries and a drink.

Garrett: So was it at least good?

Yury:  No, it was terrible. It was terrible. It was disgusting.

Garrett: Couple of problems with the way you ordered your food.

First of all, you ordered a plain cheeseburger. That’s what my nine-year-old son orders. And you know that and my 18 year old daughter they order the same food. They just give me a meat and cheese and button. Like, that’s all they want. Well, you can make that at home. Dude. Why would you even bother to order that?

If you go to a place like Five Guys or In and Out, you kind of get all the crap on there. Dude, like Five Guys has that list of like 4,000 things you can put on by the way at no additional cost. And then it makes it worth paying $7 for a burger cause you get.

Yury: No, no, there was no burger on the menu for $7. They started at $10 started and the fries were $6. And the drink was like $15. I don’t remember how much exactly the drink was.

Garrett: What Five Guys were you at? Were you at like Disneyland or something?

Yury:  I don’t know. It was an expensive experience at best.

Garrett: Uh, but it was an experience though. Wasn’t it?

Yury: I mean, I suppose for two $19 for a goddamn cheeseburger,

Garrett: You don’t like Five Guys, next you’re going to tell me you don’t likeIn and Out?

Yury:  Well, first of all, who doesn’t like In and Out?

Garrett: Okay. Thank you.

Yury: And also I recently had lunch at In and Out. Burger fries drink $7.

Garrett: Totally, 100%.  There’s literally an In and Out around the corner from my house. And it’s one of the cheapest places that I can go and it’s got such good food. The problem is when I go there, I don’t just eat the burger. I can get like a three by three. Protein style. So it’s lettuce wrapped, but then I get it animal style. So it’s got all the grilled onions and all the sauces on it. And lots of pickles. Dude, I’m so hungry, my mouth is watering right now.

I’m going to have to pause the podcast for a minute and get some In and Out!

Yury: First of all, everything you just explained, it’s like ordering a salad, but putting nine pounds of cheese and like ranch on it, Do you order, a small diet Coke with that too?

Garrett: I don’t understand what the problem is. That’s exactly what it is. And it’s not a small, it’s not a small Diet Coke. It’s the large Diet Coke.

Yury: If you’re going to go that far, why are we getting it, protein style? Why are we not just eating the bread? Is the bread. What pushes it over?

Garrett: That is exactly what pushes over my, my carb limit for the day, man, all the rest of that stuff. I’m good. But man, you put that bread on there. No dude, if you’ve never tried it protein style, don’t knock it because I’m going to tell you right now, I don’t even feel like I’m missing the. The only time I missed the bun is if I’m drunk.

Yury:  I would never even think about removing the bun from the equation.

Garrett: You know, it’s been, uh, uh, well, it’s been what, two weeks, I think since we’ve, since we chatted, since we had an episode come out

Yury: Two weeks.

Garrett: And it’s been a long two weeks, like, have you noticed it’s been a long two weeks or maybe it’s just me.

I just feel like the world’s kind of gone to shit in the last two weeks. I was, uh, I was reading through the Interwebs and I, I stumbled upon an article from Kansas city, Missouri. If you have, a massive sinkhole that opened up in front of your house, right. Just, you know, the street opens up. It sucks the life out of everything around it, cars falling in it.

Just a big sinkhole. Yeah. What would you do to get that fixed?

Yury: Go to home Depot.

Garrett: This guy reached out to the city and said, Hey, sinkhole in front of my house. Get your ass out here. And the city said, yeah, we’ll get to it. Well, he got tired of waiting, so he decides, you know what, I’m just going to throw a party in the sinkhole.

So he fills the sinkhole with water and puts a bunch of pool chairs around it. And everybody’s coming, sits down and has a pool party in the sinkhole.

Yury: Just take a bunch of pictures and tag the city on Instagram

Garrett: That’s exactly what he did. And guess what the city did.

Yury: They cited him for a loud music.

Garrett: Did you read this article?

Yury: Yeah, I have it in front of me.

Garrett: That’s exactly what happened. That’s hysterical. No, I’m just kidding. That’s not what happened. They fixed it. All right. I got one more. I’ve got one more. I got one more. And then you could go into whatever you’re going to say. I don’t even know how to position this one.

Cocaine,

Yury: the epic opener for any conversation.

Garrett: Okay. Right. It’s it’s drugs. Drugs are bad. Drugs are bad. This is an article I found talking about, and this is the tagline for the article, right? The rise of woke Coke, drug dealers, targeting middle-class users with ethically sourced cocaine for 200 pounds, a gram to suit their vegan and organic lifestyle.

Yury: Well, I mean, if you’re going to be a cokehead, you want to keep the environment in mind, right?

Garrett: Do you think that’s really, what’s going through people’s minds as they’re doing coke?

Yury: Is there a way to ethically source cocaine?

Garrett: Uh, according to

Yury: theirs, isn’t cocaine by default.

Garrett: I don’t know. I don’t even know what’s in cocaine, to be honest.

Yury: Okay. For any vegan coke heads out there, if you can call them this message, call the fan dumb the line and let us know

Garrett:  888 – F A N D U M B

let us know what that means.

Yury: By the way. We’re not promoting the use of cocaine.

Garrett: Oh God. No.

Yury: Unless it’s vegan cocaine.

Garrett: It has to be woke.

Yury: It has to be woke coke. What a great marketing strategy.

Garrett: Exactly. All right, I’m done.

Yury: Don’t do cocaine. Don’t do drugs

Garrett: Drugs are bad kids drugs are bad!

Yury: All right. Well, it’s another week for fill in the dumb, my favorite portion of the podcast, because who doesn’t like useless headline trivia?

Garrett: Or making me feel like a complete loser. Cause I never can get an answer right?

Yury: Nah, that’s just cherry on the top. Uh, Garrett, as you know, I shouldn’t have to explain it to you, but you never know. We might have new listeners jumping in on the, uh, this week is dumb train. Later on.

Garrett:  We don’t have new listeners, Yury. You can just stop right there.

Yury: Once again. Hi mom. I’m going to read you actual news headlines. I pulled these from the news. I’m going to read the news headlines. I’ll leave one word blank.

I’ll give you three possible answers. One is correct two are incorrect using process of elimination. You can figure out which one makes sense.

Garrett: Can I though?

Yury: All right, for your first question, a Louisiana couple was shocked after the bank mistakenly blank and your possible answers are foreclosed on their house, deposited $50 billion into their account.

Garrett: I’m sorry. Was that 50 billion or 50 million?

Yury:  50 billion billion with a B right. Or opened up a credit account in their dog’s name again, Louisiana, couple shocked after the bank mistakenly foreclosed on their house, accidentally deposited $50 billion into their account, or opened up a credit card account in their dogs name.

Starting with you, Garrett, since you’re the only one.

Garrett: All right. For our one listener that we still have after all this time, it was really funny to watch Yury give these, uh, possible answers because you know, it’s going to be good when he’s laughing before he even says the possible answer.

 Uh, so I’m gonna rule out deposited 50 billion in their account right away, cause it’s Louisiana, nobody has $50 billion. Do they? I don’t think they do.  Foreclosed on their house. That that could be it, but I don’t know that that would make for a really good story for our podcast or opening a credit account in their dog’s name. See, that sounds a little bit more like something I would expect to come out of Louisiana.

So I think the bank mistakenly opened a credit account in their dog’s name, and then they got the bill and there was a bunch of charges from chewy.com.

Yury: Well in Louisiana a husband and wife were left stunned this month after they discovered $50 billion had been accidentally deposited into their account.

Garrett: No way!

Yury:  $50 billion. He said he came though, the husband says he came home, a wife showed him the, uh, deposit statement and he was basically like, what the fuck?

Where did that come from? Uh, this was Chase bank and I guess Chase did finally correct the error four days later.

Garrett: Okay. I’m sorry. But if Chase mistakenly deposits $50 billion into my account. I’m going to go withdrawal that money. Like I’m going to go into the branch and be like, hi, I’m here to close out my accounts. Yes. I need cash now, please.

Yury: Yeah, it says in Chase’s official statement. We had a technical glitch over the week.

Garrett: That is not a glitch, not a glitch that is a Royal fuck up. And somebody’s getting fired over that one.

Yury: Does Chase even have $50 billion. How much money could that one bank possibly have?

Garrett: What is money anyway?

I mean, like when you put money in, oh, this is going to get super philosophical. When you put money in the bank, does it actually stay in the bank or does it go to some reserve vault somewhere and they have money in quotes, but it’s not really, I don’t know, dude, it’s a rabbit hole. I can totally get lost this.

And by the way, I really wish it had been the dog because chewy.com has some amazing stuff. And I buy all my dogs supplies through there. So chewy.com please sponsor the podcast.

Yury: Okay. I didn’t even realize a glitch like this was possible. Um, but I do plan on going and opening up several accounts at chase, uh, just to play the odds

Garrett: I’m in! Oh, I’m in dude, let’s go. I’ll put like a dollar in each account and just sit there and watch it and see if it grows.

Yury: Just wait for it man

Okay, in Dubai. What happened in Dubai? Something happened in Dubai.

Garrett: Oh my God. You’re so prepared for tonight.

Yury: Uh, in Dubai, I’ve been to Dubai actually.

Garrett: Have you really?

Yury: Yeah. Gorgeous city. Stupid, super expensive. Yeah. Very hot, very hot. Uh, but actually the headline it’s so hot in Dubai that the government is creating blank and your possible answers are

outdoor air conditioned neighborhoods, laws keeping you from going outside or artificial rainstorms.

Garrett: All right. So Dubai really hot, you know? Okay. So the government is creating either outdoor air conditioned neighborhoods. Okay. That’s cool. Like, if you can create an outdoor air conditioned neighborhood.

Yeah. That’s kind of cool. I mean, that would be amazing, but it was not even intentional.

Yury: I mean, if anybody has the money to do it, it’s a Dubai because they bank with Chase.

Garrett:  Right. But the problem with an outdoor air conditioned neighborhood is all the dads are going to be running around constantly resetting the thermostat because you’re letting all the fucking cold air out of the house.

Yury: Wouldn’t it be, you’re letting all the cold air in? It’s outside. It’s good, I’m glad you’re coming with me on this one.

Garrett: Yes. And uh, okay, anyway, uh, laws keeping you from going outside that one sounds a little bit too realistic or artificial rain storms. You know what dude? I think I got it.

No, I think it’s the artificial rainstorms, because who doesn’t like a nice, refreshing drenching of water when it’s 170 degrees outside. So I’m going to lock in with artificial rainstorms. And I think I’m finally right.

Yury: I’m actually proud of you. It is artificial rainstorms. Yes. But let me explain to you what they’re doing. They’re sending drones into the sky and they are zapping the atmosphere with electrical waves, which is. Creating rain storms.

Garrett: Tell me you’re kidding. Right?

Yury: No, I’m not kidding. It’s 100%. It says, uh, uh, scientists in the UAE United Arab Emirates is making it rain artificially using electrical charges from drones to manipulate the weather and force rainfall across the desert nation.

A meteorology, meteorology meaty. meterological

Garrett: Say that three times fast.

Yury: Couldn’t even say at one time slow,

Garrett: oh my God.

Yury: Those people release video footage this week showing a downpour and the new method of cloud seeding is what they’re calling. It shows, promise, and helping to mitigate drought conditions.

Garrett: Wow. That’s awesome that they can do that.

Yury:  I would love to buy a DJI drone that just shoots electrical waves. That’d be really fun.

Garrett: So, um, I’m a little bit confused. So are the clouds already there and they’re just zapping them or are they creating clouds? And then zapping?

Yury:  It says, according to research from the university of Redding in the UK or Reading UK scientists created the storms using drones, which hit clouds with electricity, creating large raindrops, a larger rain drops are essential in the hot country, blah, blah, blah, obviously,

Garrett: uh, I, you know what the best part about that story?

Yury: You just got another point?

Garrett:  I got a point that is exactly right.

Yury: I’m proud of you, man. I’m proud of you.

For your third and final question. Emergency crews accidentally rescued a blank, basically, assuming it was someone who drowned emergency crews accidentally rescued a statue, sex doll, or a wig.

Garrett: Oh, I can’t, I just can’t do it. Um,

Yury: Oh, you can, and you should.

Garrett: There’s a lot of pressure on this one, man. If I actually get this question right, I’m going to have two out of the three points, which I think we would qualify as a win for me. Right?

Yury:  I mean, sure.

Garrett: Okay. So emergency crews accidentally rescued a blank. So based on the three guesses, you’ve heard, the three answers possible answers you gave me, I’m going to guess that they were rescuing somebody from like a house, like a fire in a house or something. They were rescuing someone.

 So a statue again, does that really make anything interesting for the podcast? Probably not. A sex doll, now we’re getting into interesting terriorty, although that’s a little bit dark, even for us. I think. Or a Wig. So I think I’m going to go with wig on this one because there is nothing like a good wig getting rescued from a fire.

Yury: So you’re going with wig?

Garrett:  I’m going with wig.

Yury: All right. Well, a team of emergency rescue divers

Garrett:  Wait you didn’t say they were rescue divers. Hold on. Now that changes everything.

Yury: Okay, go ahead. Do you want to change your answer?

Garrett: It doesn’t really change anything. I don’t know. Go ahead.

Yury: Yeah, basically a team of emergency rescue divers

what does flummoxed F L U M M O X E D. That’s a word. That’s not a word. Flummoxed

Garrett: Bewildered or perplexed.

Yury: Oh, man. Look at them using English. All right. Well, at team of emergency rescue divers were bewildered or perplexed after responding to the scene of a nude drowning woman only to discover that it was actually a floating life sized sex doll.

Garrett: Oh my God. Damn it.

Yury:  They issued an SOS. Save our Sex Doll. Uh, boy. Oh, wait a minute. That’s just embarrassing for everybody.

Garrett: Why is it embarrassing? I mean, they thought they were saving a person who was drowning. I mean, good for them for,

Yury: Dude, have you seen the videos where people like marry sex dolls and,

Garrett: oh my God. It’s like a thing right now.

Yury: That’s right, yeah. It’s a thing

Garrett: It’s not a thing for me, thank you very much, but Hey, you know what, whatever, whatever makes you happy.

Yury: It’s, it’s, it’s unclear how the blow up doll ended up in the water.

Garrett: Are they going to run DNA? Cause there’s probably DNA all over them. Yeah, I got a point. Does that mean I win this week?

Yury: I’m going to say, because we didn’t have a guest host and you did get one, right? I will declare you the winner for this week episode 18 season two, episode two. I’m trying to make that as confusing as possible. The game’s over my friend, you won!

I have a, a dummy of the week.

Garrett: You do? Well, let’s do your dummy of the week.

Voice Over: It’s time for the dummy of the week. Who will it be? Let’s find out.

Yury: Well, Garrett, this week’s dummy of the week comes to you out of Southern California.

Garrett: Ooh, that’s where we are.

Yury: It is from a company called Five Guys for charging $19.

Garrett: Hold on, hold on.

The dummy of the week isn’t Five Guys for charging $19. The dummy of  the week is you for going to Five Guys

Yury: Dummy of the week is me for paying $19.

Garrett: Oh, tell me you’re serious. And that’s really what you’re using for the dummy of the week.

Yury: Dummy of the week is me for paying $19 for a cheeseburger, fries and a  god damn drink for fuck’s sake, put a mask on and point a gun at me, cause that’s what it felt like.

Garrett: Will you be going to Five Guys again anytime soon?

Yury: No.

Garrett: And by the way, Five Guys, if you’d like to sponsor our podcast, please feel free to reach out to us.

Yury: You know, they originally called themselves one guy, but they couldn’t afford it. They had to get four of their friends.

Garrett: Oh, my God dude. So the dummy of the week in our last episode was us together because we hadn’t put out an episode. Dummy of the week, this week is you? Because you ate at Five Guys?

Yury: It’s been a bad month, man.

It’s been a bad month.

Garrett: Hey man. Here’s hoping things get better for you in August. That’s all I’ll say.

Yury: Knocks on wood.

Garrett: Socks on wood?

Yury: Knock.

Garrett: Oh, you doing a little foley there?

Yury:  I didn’t want to say knock, knock.

Garrett: Who’s there?

Yury: Interrupting cow

Garrett: interrupting cow who?

Yury: Moo

Garrett:  Fucker.

Yury: Oh, you wanna hear the best knock-knock joke?

Garrett: Sure.

Yury: You start it.

Garrett: Knock, knock.

Yury: Who’s there?

Garrett: Damn dude. I I’m lost.

Yury:  Oh boy. Well, that’s been a week, huh?

Garrett:  Yeah, it’s been a week. Actually, I think we had enough shenanigans in this episode to cover the two weeks that we went, not releasing an episode, right? I mean,

Yury:  There you go.

Garrett: It tracks, right?

Yury: To sum it up,don’t eate at Five Guys.

And then,

Garrett: And if you have a sinkhole in front of your house, fill it with water and the city will eventually come fix it,

Yury: throw a party. Okay.

Garrett: Well, thanks. Dumberellas, for hanging out with us again this week and, uh, we’ll work to get a more consistent release schedule. Thanks a lot loyal Dumberella for that message.

Well, thanks again for hanging out with us this week and. Yeah, don’t forget. Reach out, connect with us on the social medias @ThisWeekIsDumb on basically anything. If there’s a social media @ThisWeekIsDumb, will get you connected to us. TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. Although I don’t think I’ve ever posted anything on Twitter.

Cause I don’t really use Twitter, but it’s worth there. Right?

Yury: We don’t, we don’t check it.

Garrett: Or you can call the FANDUMB line at eight, eight, eight FANDUMB 8 8, 8 F A N D U M B.

Yury, there’s like six people that called in the last two days. I got really excited, but none of them left a message. They just listened to the outgoing message and then hang up what the hell’s going on with that.

Yury: It might be my vehicle, uh, the warranty, apparently there’s something going on with it.

Garrett: We’re calling to let you know your vehicle warranty may have expired. Please press one to speak to a counselor now.

Well, I think on that note, uh, we’ll say goodbye for this week and, uh, we’ll see you next time.

Yury:  Till next week. Maybe.

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