This week Garrett and Yury talk about Garrett’s taste in music (or perhaps lack thereof you be the judge). We hear about how Bear Mace is used and in our Fill in the Dumb this week, Yury gets to take a shot at answering questions. Will he do better than Garrett usually does? Find out!
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Garrett: All right. Let me mark the audio. Three, two, one, mark. All right, cool.
Garrett: Why did you say mark? Why don’t you say something else? What do you say, Paul or John or Ringo or something?
Yury: I don’t know how you get to any of the Beatles from the name Mark, but I’m glad that’s how your brain works.
Garrett: Well, it’s really works that way because I’m not a Beatles fan, so I don’t even know their names.
Yury: You’re not a Beatles fan. What do you mean you’re not a Beatles fan?
Garrett: I like the music, but I’m not like, “Oh, I know all The Beatles songs,” because I don’t. If I hear it come on-
Yury: Why do you have to have a posh British accent when you say I know all The Beatles songs? You’re basically saying only British people like The Beatles.
Garrett: No, man, I was just-
Yury: Who are these Beatles? I’ve never heard of them. I read something about them. Are they a band? What are they?
Garrett: Well, I figure if my colon has a posh British accent, then at least I can have a posh British accent too.
Yury: How does somebody say they don’t like The Beatles.
Garrett: I didn’t say I didn’t like The Beatles.
Yury: Hold on. My brother said he doesn’t like The Beatles and when you say something like that, basically in my mind, all I hear is I don’t like music.
Garrett: I didn’t… Oh, God..
Yury: It’s not for me.
Garrett: I said I wasn’t a fan. That doesn’t mean I don’t like their music.
Yury: I don’t mean to play semantics tomato-tomato game with you. You can’t say, “I didn’t say I’m not a fan. I just say I don’t like them.” When you like a band, you immediately become a fan because you say, “Hey, do you like Queen?” “Yeah, I’m a fan of their music.” Saying I like their music, and I’m a fan of their music, it’s the same thing. So when you say I don’t like their music, it means you’re not a fan.
Garrett: Can I play the music now? We’ve gone too long.
Yury: No, because you don’t like music. That’s what you told me.
Garrett: I love music.
Voice Over: It’s time for the This Week Is Dumb Podcast. A chance for you to disconnect from reality for a bit and hear about some of the dumb things that we found this week. Now, here are your hosts, Garrett and Yury.
Yury: Welcome back, everybody. We’re back for another week here on This Week Is Dumb. Today joining us is somebody who has no enjoyment in any kind of pop culture, music, or anything that paved the way to modern-day music as we know it today, Garret, I’m not hip or don’t like anything. How’s it going, Garrett?
Garrett: I don’t know where you got all of that from. I love music. I love good music. Just because I said I’m not a fan of The Beatles, doesn’t mean I don’t like their music. It just means that I don’t follow them. I’m not a die-hard. I know who they are. They good music. I’m just not a fan. So stop saying I don’t like… I like… Listen, let me get this very clear. I enjoy music. I love music. Music is the window to the soul more than the eyes, so let’s just move on, please. And why the hell are you stealing my intro? I’m supposed to do the intro.
Yury: Says the guy who’s got a Nickelback poster behind him on the wall.
Garrett: Don’t knock Nickelback. I saw them in concert at one of their last concerts that they did at the House of Blues.
Yury: I can see that. You have a poster because when I go to a… I would never go to a Nickelback show, but the last thing that would come to my mind is, “I need a poster because one day my wife is going to be in my office and I need something to deter her from sleeping with me.”
Garrett: Hey man, my wife likes Nickelback too, all right, so don’t be knocking it.
Yury: Tale as old as time.
Garrett: At least it’s not Coldplay.
Yury: All right.
Garrett: What are we doing?
Yury: We’re doing a podcast. We do this once a week. We record. Talk about some dumb shit.
Garrett: What episode are we in?
Yury: 19, my man. 19.
Garrett: Episode 19. Wow, dude. You know what that means?
Yury: Season two, episode seven.
Garrett: I think it’s season two, episode three if we’re counting, but wouldn’t go with episode seven.
Yury: I came across a interesting story today from Florida. We haven’t had a lot of stories from Florida.
Garrett: No, not at all.
Yury: Actually, Florida essentially does sponsor our podcast for content.
Garrett: For content. Yes, I agree, but I haven’t seen any financial support from them.
Yury: You’ve heard of Bath & Body Works, correct?
Garrett: Yeah, of course.
Yury: They’re in a mall.
Garrett: What’s a mall?
Yury: Exactly. Big in the ’90s. Known for crap scents like cucumber melon or something.
Garrett: Bath & Body Works or the mall.
Garrett: Oh, okay.
Yury: Because if you’re in a mall, you’re essentially going to smell.
Garrett: Got it.
Yury: The melons or cucumbers. There’s been a lot of theft happening across the country as of recent, like shoplifting. Basically, these people went into a store, a Bath & Body Works store in the mall, stole a bunch of shit, and before leaving, they basically doused all the patrons of the store with bear mace.
Garrett: Bear mace.
Yury: Bear mace. It says 35 people were affected. Some even went to the hospital, and a portion of the mall had to be evacuated because they used bear mace to get away from their theft. First of all, who’s robbing a Bath & Body Works? What is in there? I’ve been in there. It’s all garbage. It’s stupid crap… I say that as there’s a Bath & Body Works candle actually next to me in my room, but it was on sale. It was on sale. I hate Bath & Body Works, but I can’t walk past a good sale.
Garrett: And that makes it okay.
Yury: Who just happens to have bear mace on them, and why are you using bear mace? Why not regular mace?
Garrett: That was going to be my question. How many bears are in Florida that somebody is carrying around bear mace? Okay, crocodiles, alligators, things like that, animals like… I get it and I don’t think that there’s any mace for that, but how many fricking bears are in Florida that you have to think about carrying bear mace?
Yury: I want to know, is regular mace not as strong as bear mace? Is it concentrated mace?
Garrett: Oh, yeah. What is the difference between bear mace and… What is it? Bear mace and people mace, is that the two types of mace?
Yury: “I’m here to buy some human mace.” “No, we’re all out. We have hummingbird mace.” “Yeah. I’ll take two of those.”
Garrett: Bear mace is specifically designed to protect you in the event you have a run-in with a bear. That’s what this website says.
Yury: It’s good to know that before you’re getting attacked by a bear, you have time to google things.
Garrett: Speaking of Florida, did you hear about the Florida guy who was trying to walk to New York in a bubble?
Yury: I did. Didn’t he just wash it up on a beach or something?
Garrett: Yeah. That’s exactly what happened. So this guy startled people when he washed ashore inside this little, it looks like a hamster wheel, like the hamster ball.
Yury: Right. Yeah, I saw it. It’s like an inflatable hamster ball.
Garrett: What was this guy thinking? He thought I’m just going to walk from Florida to New York in this giant hamster ball. First of all, where did he get the giant hamster ball because I want one? They’re pretty awesome looking. Second of all, how long do you think it would actually take somebody to walk on land from Florida to New York?
Yury: To answer part A of your question, I guarantee you, and I’m going to check right now. If you go on Amazon and type in giant human hamster ball. Giant human hamster ball. Yeah. You can buy one. You can buy them. If you’re an Amazon Prime member, that doesn’t do anything for you, because you still have to pay shipping on these. I’m at the point now where if it’s not on the internet, it really doesn’t exist.
Garrett: Unless you go to the mall.
Yury: Unless you go to the mall, and you bring bear mace. Not only that, but the person who stole that crap from Bath & Body Works, they factored into their plan that not only are we going to steal some crap candles, but people are going to attempt to stop us from this activity, and we’re going to need bear mace to get out of that predicament. Nobody’s stopping you. I’m not condoning theft, but I’m just saying Bath & Body Works is crap. Don’t steal their crap. I believe that’s their company motto, isn’t it? Our stuff is crap. Don’t steal our crap.
Garrett: Please don’t steal our crap. That’s exactly what their motto is. I’m pretty sure.
Yury: It’s complete garbage, but Bath & Body Works, if you would like to sponsor our podcast, we would gladly talk highly of your product.
Garrett: If you pay us enough money, we’ll say good things about anything. Is that what you’re trying to say?
Garrett: Hey, I want to take us over to Arkansas also known as Ar-Kansas-
Garrett: Where a man with no arms has been accused of harassing women by asking to touch their feet.
Yury: Oh, Jesus.
Garrett: Let that sink in for a second. Three different women have filed reports against this guy saying they were frightened and very uncomfortable by these incidents where this man is following women around stores. Oh, by the way, in Walmarts, shocker, and making inappropriate comments to them. In one of the reports, this woman says, Reams, this guy who has neither of his arms asked if he could massage her feet.
Yury: Oh, that’s great.
Garrett: What do you do in that situation? Don’t get me wrong. This is terrible. This dude should be just locked up somewhere, but it’s funny, I guess.
Yury: I don’t know if he should be locked up anywhere because he’s got a sense of humor. To have no arms asking people to massage their feet, and he’s not like… Is he being pushy, or is he just asking them? Because if he’s just asking them, and they say no, and he continues on with his day, is that really a crime?
Garrett: That’s one thing. Yeah, no, I don’t think that is. That’s just called hey, this creepy guy asked me to massage my feet.
Yury: It’s not illegal to be weird. It should be, but it’s not.
Garrett: Good thing because I would probably be thrown in jail many times and let’s be honest, it’s Arkansas, and it’s Walmart, so how out of the norm is this really?
Yury: That’s true.
Garrett: Yury, I was thinking about it and the last couple of episodes, it’s just been you and I talking again, which I have to say I’m enjoying, but I realized that you always get to bring the Fill in the Dumb question, so I think this week, I’m going to ask you the question. Are you ready?
Yury: I get to be the contestant today.
Garrett: That’s right. You get to be the contestant. I’m going to ask the questions, and you get to lose the… I mean, try to win the game.
Yury: Let’s do it. Are we playing for anything?
Garrett: Yes. We’re playing for bragging rights.
Yury: I’m going to need some cold, hard cash. How about this? If I win, I get the Nickleback poster.
Garrett: And if I win?
Yury: I feel like if you win, and you gave me the Nickelback poster, it would free you of embarrassment, so I feel like that’s a win-win for you getting rid of the Nickelback poster. So if I win, I get the Nickelback poster.
Garrett: And if I win, you get the Nickelback poster.
Yury: I get to take the Nickelback poster, so we can continue to maintain a friendship.
Garrett: I like it. It’s perfect. Well, let’s get into the game.
Voice Over: (Singing).
Garrett: I got some doozies for you this week, Yury, so I hope you brought your thinking cap.
Yury: What is the thinking cap? Is there any scientific facts that prove by wearing some kind of a cap you can think better?
Garrett: For your first question. An Australian teenager gets $20,000 for discovering blank. Your possible answers are a new species of lobster, a kangaroo that hops on one foot, or a unique Dorito chip. Yury, we’ll start with you, sir.
Yury: All right. So, a new species of lobster.
Garrett: A new species of lobster, a kangaroo that hops on one foot, or a unique Dorito chip.
Yury: All right. I don’t think it’s a Dorito chip because that’s not something that you can discover. Well, Doritos are made, they’re not discovered. A kangaroo that hops on one foot. Well, Galileo did a series of tests on kangaroos and determined that kangaroos are physically unable to hop. They need both legs using differential balance to maintain velocity to hop with both feet.
Garrett: Dude, that sounded so intelligent, so even if you just made all that shit up, I’m impressed.
Yury: Totally, totally just made all that shit up.
Garrett: Could have fooled me.
Yury: Yeah. My hidden talent is I can lie convincingly on the spot.
Garrett: Let’s make sure we get your wife to listen to this episode.
Yury: Okay. I don’t think it’s a Dorito. Can’t be the kangaroo hopping. I’m going to go with he discovered a crab.
Yury: Tomato-tomato. He discovered lobster, and it’s a new species of lobster. Bubba Gump’s paid him a royalty because they could add a new menu item.
Garrett: Speaking of Bubba Gump’s, have you been lately because their menu has gone to shit?
Yury: I haven’t, but I love Bubba Gump’s. It was my favorite.
Garrett: I love Bubba Gump’s. I’ve been to almost every single Bubba Gump’s in existence.
Yury: Their shrimp po’boy, delicious.
Garrett: Why are we always talking about food on this podcast?
Yury: All of a sudden, my whole mouth just filled with saliva.
Garrett: Same. Well, Yury, you will be saddened to hear that you are absolutely wrong because an Australian teenager’s cashing in her chips after finding a puffy Dorito and putting it up for sale online. Doritos is rewarding Riley Stewart, a 13-year-old from Queensland, with $20,000 after she happened upon a unique air-filled Dorito.
Garrett: She finds this Dorito. It’s filled with air, and she puts it online on eBay because she made some TikTok video and said, “Hey, I just found this puffy Dorito. Is this thing valuable, or should I just eat it?” People encouraged her to go sell it. So she puts it on eBay. It got up to $20,300 on eBay because it’s some unique Dorito, one of a kind.
Yury: I’m just embarrassed for society and where we are headed in the future, but God bless her because if somebody is offering to give her $20,000 for a goddamned Dorito, have at it.
Garrett: I love the fact that her dad was trying to say that he bought the packet, so it’s his chips, but she said, “Nope, I ate the packet and found it, so I believe it’s mine.”
Yury: Like it’s a goddamned lottery.
Garrett: Well, dude, it’s a $20,000 chip. Let’s be honest. It is like winning the lottery.
Yury: How do we know it’s not a counterfeit Dorito because there’s a lot of counterfeit Doritos in the market right now that people are trying to pawn off on the internet? Does it come with a certificate of authenticity?
Garrett: It does come with a certificate of authenticity.
Yury: What, the receipt?
Garrett: The receipt, that’s exactly it. The article goes on to say, and I didn’t know this. This is insane. Did you know that in June, so just last month, a chicken McNugget sold on eBay for over $100,000 because it looked like a character from the video game Among Us?
Yury: Is that actually a true headline?
Yury: What are we doing with our lives right now? What are we doing, people?
Garrett: I just want to know how I can come up with… Dude, a hundred thousand dollars. It’s like a rabbit hole going through this, man. Well, Yury, unfortunately for you, you did not get a point for that first question. See this game isn’t so easy on the other side of the mic now, is it?
Yury: Actually, no it is. I’m just patronizing you to make you feel better.
Voice Over: (Singing).
Garrett: Moving on to question number two. Officials in Texas are warning park goers to be cautious of blank. Your possible answers are an aggressive bear stealing food from anywhere he can get it, acid shooting lobsters, or murder hornets? Yury, back to you.
Yury: Right. Sticking with the theme without having any preconceived notion of what you’re going to say, or have any educated guest to lead me in one direction or the other, I’m going to go with acid-shooting lobsters because it sounds the most ridiculous.
Garrett: Well, Yury, you are absolutely correct. Officials are warning park-goers in Texas to be careful of acid-shooting land lobsters roaming a national park.
Yury: Yeah. That’s also, by the way, the band I was in, in college, the acid-shooting land lobsters.
Garrett: Acid-shooting land lobsters. That makes sense.
Yury: We were a punk ska band, ASLL. Acid-shooting land lobsters.
Garrett: That was your acronym. I got it.
Yury: We were the ASLLs.
Garrett: The ASLLs. I guess the takeaway from this story is, don’t go to Texas because they have acid-spitting lobsters. End of story.
Yury: Or go to Texas, because how awesome is that? Acid-shooting land lobsters.
Garrett: I wonder if they’re dangerous to humans. Can they kill a human.
Yury: There’s a goddamned lobster that shoots acid. I wouldn’t go near it.
Voice Over: (Singing).
Garrett: All right. That’s one point for Yury. One question left. Moving on to our third and final question, Yury. We’re moving to New Zealand now.
Yury: I love New Zealand.
Garrett: Women in New Zealand are claiming after they got their Pfizer COVID vaccination, both jabs, that blank has happened. Your possible answers are, their lips are drying out faster, their hair is falling out, or their boobs are getting bigger. What do you think, Yury?
Yury: You know, I lived in New Zealand for two years.
Garrett: I didn’t know that.
Yury: Because it’s not true. I just made that up. All right. So their lips are getting dry, their hair is falling out or their boobs are getting bigger.
Garrett: That’s the three options.
Yury: Okay. I guess it’d be a really bad day if all three happened at the same time.
Garrett: At the same time. Yes. All of the above is not one of the correct answers. Sorry.
Yury: All right. Well, is there a correlation between getting a vaccine and your breast tissue getting larger? My brain Google says yes and that’s what I’m going with.
Garrett: I want to know how you brain Googled that and where you were storing that information for all this time.
Yury: Well, I said, “Brain, is this plausible?”
Garrett: You’re going to go with their boobs are getting bigger.
Yury: Honestly, I’m just going with the most ridiculous answer because I don’t think you have enough experience in this game to camouflage the correct answer enough, and I feel like hair falling out, lips getting dry. That’s just boring. But if you say breasts are getting bigger, but on the flip side, that would cause more people to get vaccinated, wouldn’t it because lots of women pay for boob jobs, right?
Garrett: Well, Yury, you’ll be happy to know that you have gotten another point because women in New Zealand are claiming that their boobs are getting bigger after getting the Pfizer jab. I don’t understand how you knew that with my other answers. Am I really that bad at writing out the… Am I as bad at writing the questions as I am at giving you the answers?
Yury: Yes. Yes, you are.
Garrett: Well, apparently the common side effects from COVID-19 vaccines has to be updated now because today it includes pain at the injection site, headaches, fatigue, or feeling flu-like symptoms, and if you’re from New Zealand, apparently the additional possible rare side effect now is that their breasts have gotten bigger.
Yury: Did they actually add that side effect, only if you’re in New Zealand, does this side effect occur?
Garrett: That’s exactly what it says. It says right here, I’m looking at it on Pfizer’s website. It says, if you’re in New Zealand, be careful, and they’re calling it the Pfizer boob job.
Yury: Oh, boy.
Garrett: Yury, I have to tell you, congratulations, man, you got two out of three, correct which means…
Yury: 66%. That’s a pass.
Garrett: Absolutely. You won the game this week. Congratulations. You’re the winner.
Yury: Can I pick up the Nickelback poster? Can I just watch you tear it on the podcast?
Garrett: Yeah. Hold on. Let me go tear it off the wall. Hold on.
Yury: Are you really going to tear up your Nickleback poster?
Garrett: I am. Hold on.
Yury: First of all, why do you have a Nickleback poster?
Garrett: Hold on, hold on. Let me tear it off the wall.
Garrett: Damn it, dude, I tore the actual poster.
Yury: I got to be honest. I’m more surprised that you’re 40-ish, and it took you this long to rip up a poster like that, but I’m proud of you, man. I’m proud of you. It’s the first step in realizing there’s a problem.
Garrett: I didn’t admit that there was a problem. I just simply am upholding my end of the bet and sending it to you in the mail, so it’ll be there in a couple days.
Yury: No, several years ago you walked into a CVS and said, “Do you guys sell condoms?” They said, “No, but the Nickelback posters are over there.”
Voice Over: (Singing).
Yury: I think we’re ready for the Dummy of the Week. What do you think?
Voice Over: It’s time for the Dummy of the Week, Oh, who will it be? Let’s find out.
Garrett: Well, our dummy of the week this week comes to us from an airport.
Yury: From an airport. That’s specific.
Garrett: Yes. It’s starting at an airport also on an airplane. People are starting to get back to travel now, and planes are starting to get fuller. There is a person, a teen, who was on an airplane. He decides, “I think I’m going to play a prank on the airplane.”
Yury: All right.
Garrett: Have you ever heard of AirDrop roulette?
Garrett: This is this thing kids do. They just go to see who’s around them with AirDrop, and they just randomly share photos with anybody who has their AirDrop turned to everyone. In AirDrop, you can set it to everyone or contacts only.
Yury: Yeah, I’ve had people do that where I just end up with random crap on my phone.
Garrett: In this case, some unnamed teen on the airplane sent images of an Airsoft gun to all the iPhones near him with Airdrop.
Yury: Okay, probably not the smartest thing to share on an airplane.
Garrett: Yeah. So this guy is on a plane getting ready to leave for Orlando and passengers reported the incident saying somebody just Airdropped us pictures of a gun.
Yury: Well, Airsoft guns can look like real guns.
Garrett: Absolutely, and I don’t care if it looks totally fake to you or not, you don’t do something stupid like this on an airplane. You shouldn’t do something like this at all, but let alone on an airplane.
Yury: I do have a funny story for you for one of my friends, we were traveling ironically enough to Florida, and we get on the plane. He had to go to the bathroom, and he was holding it, and we sat down, and you know when you sit down in a plane, you can’t sometimes use the bathroom right away until the plane’s in the air.
Yury: So we sit down, and he’s got to go to the bathroom really bad. We had breakfast burritos for breakfast. It was moving through him pretty quickly, and he had to go. Anyway, so we’re sitting there, we’re waiting, and it’s taken a while for the plane to push back, and he’s just getting really antsy, and finally, he turns to me, he says, “Man, I really want this plane to get into the air.” I say, “Why?” He goes, “Dude, I’m about to go blow that bathroom up.”
Garrett: Oh, no.
Yury: I’m like, “Dude, you can’t say that on a plane.”
Garrett: Did anybody hear him?
Yury: I heard him and that was enough. I reported him to the FAA.
Garrett: Did you?
Yury: I did.
Garrett: To the FAA.
Garrett: What did the FAA do?
Yury: They arrested him.
Garrett: Oh no. Is there more to the story?
Yury: No, he’s still in federal jail for that, so if you’re sitting next to me, and you say inappropriate things, I’ll report you.
Garrett: The takeaway from the story is don’t fly with Yury.
Voice Over: That was the Dummy of the Week.
Garrett: Yury, I think that’s probably enough for this episode this week. What are you thinking?
Yury: No, I say we should go for about another hour.
Garrett: People don’t want to listen to us for that long. Thanks for sticking with us… Are we dumberellas or dumbedinos? I can’t even remember what we’re going with.
Yury: I think we should just revert back to dumdums.
Garrett: I think the transcript would like that a lot better.
Yury: Dumdums it is.
Garrett: Well, dumdums, thanks for sticking it out with us and hanging out with us for episode number 19 of This Week is Dumb. Connect with us on social media at This Week is Dumb. Please remember, if you like the podcast, leave us a rating on Apple Podcast. Five-star reviews. Actually, write a review out. It really does help us get the word out about the show.
Garrett: Please share the show with your friends. Check us out. DumbWeek.com is the website. All the past episodes are posted there. You can go there and interact with other fans. There’s a forum where you can talk to other people. Do people even use forums anymore? That’s what they’re called, right, Yury?
Yury: Nobody knows what a forum is.
Garrett: Remember the BBSs. Did you ever have BBS access back in… Anyway, I’m dating myself.
Yury: Don’t know what that is.
Garrett: You can also connect with us on the FANDUMB line. That’s 888 FANDUMB. 888 F-A-N-D-U-M-B, and maybe you will be featured on an upcoming episode if you leave something funny behind. With that, I think we’ll say see you next time, dumdums.
Yury: Adios. I’m done physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Garrett: Has it been a rough day, Yury?
Yury: It’s been a rough day.
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