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16. Garrett and Yury’s Express Episode

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This week Garrett and Yury play fill in the dumb against each other. The end is something you would never imagine happening! Listen to the end and you might be surprised.

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Episode Transcript

Voice Over: It’s time for the, this week is dumb podcast. A chance for you to disconnect from reality for a bit.

Yury:  Can you, yeah. Can you just pause that for a minute?

Garrett:  Okay. What’s going on, dude? You never pause this in the middle of this.

Yury: No, I get it. And I like the theme song and it is catchy and I am singing it in my head. However, it’s been kind of a busy weekend and I think this week is dumb, should become the express episode. So this week is dumb express, podcast episode,

and we should just jump right into the game.

Garrett: You’re telling me all this research, I did all these articles that I pulled for us to talk about today. You don’t want to talk about that at all?

You just want to play the game?

Yury: Nah, just toss them

and roll the game show music. Action.

Well, normally I would be talking to our cohost, but, uh, or a guest co-host for, uh, I should say for that matter, but we are doing an express episode, so therefore. Today’s special guest is you Garrett. Welcome aboard.

Garrett:  Oh, I’m so glad to be here. Thanks for having me here Yury.

Yury: You’re welcome. Uh, so tell us about yourself. Uh, where do you come from? What do you do?

Garrett: Well, my name is Garrett…

Yury: That’s enough of that. All right, Garrett, if you’re not aware of the game, which you better be because we’ve been doing this for several months. Now, these are actual news headlines. I’m going to leave one word blank.

I’m going to give you three possible answers. It’s going to be up to you and you alone this week to guess what the correct answer is for your first question; in Houston, A suspect is in custody after allegedly fleeing police with blank. Your possible answers are two dozen helium balloons, an ice cream cart, or, a tiger

off to you, Garrett

Garrett: All right, so we’re in Houston, the guys running from the police, you said two dozen helium balloons an ice cream cart, or a tiger.

Yury: Correct. Fleeing from police in Houston with one of these things.

Garrett:  I got to tell you my initial response or my initial thought was the two dozen helium balloons. Just because that seems funny. And it’s the kind of thing that you would pull up for an article like this, and then you said tiger. And like, oh, well, you know, if somebody has a tiger with them, I could see them running from the police. Cause isn’t it illegal to own a tiger?

Yury: I’m sure there are places you probably could own a tiger. I’m not hip to the tiger owning laws in Houston.

Garrett: It is Texas though, so…

Yury:  It is Texas, and, uh, now would you be fleeing, from police with a tiger or riding the tiger? Cause like if I had a tiger and I was fleeing police, I would just jump on

Garrett: 100% I’d be riding that puppy.

Yury: For sure. It’d be like, He-Man.

Garrett:  Absolutely. I have the power. I think we just dated ourselves, dude.

Yury: Yikes.

Garrett:  All right. Or an ice cream cart, you know what. I’m going to go with the one I think is the funniest. I think it’s actually the ice cream cart because I just picture this guy with an ice cream cart running away from the police ringing the little bell. You know, running away.

Yury: Bring Bring, police stop!

Garrett: Freeze!

Yury: You’re under arrest. No, I’m not bring bring.

Garrett: That gives a whole new meaning to the word freeze, right?

Yury: Oh, for sure. All right. Well, Garrett locks in with ice cream cart. Uh, let me tell you Houston police have arrested a 26 year old suspect who allegedly fled from police with, his pet tiger.

Garrett: Oh my God.

Yury: His pet tiger. People, who are owning tigers as pets?

 Uh, and the article says, which are illegal to own in the city. I like how they had to specify in the city. Meaning maybe outside the city, you can own a tiger. Just don’t bring it in the city.

Garrett: So, not in the city of Houston. But if you happen to be in the suburbs of Houston, it’s okay to own a tiger. That’s what I’m hearing.

Yury: We’ll get this police said he was already out on bond for a separate murder charge.

Garrett: A murder charge.

Yury: Yeah. And now, and now faces a charge of evading arrest. Uh, they, and they, I guess they were looking for the tiger cause, uh, as of the date of this article, uh, which I, uh, I’ll have to research it to see if they actually found the tiger.

Garrett: Aren’t you supposed to do that ahead of time?

Yury: Uh, this is the express episode.

Garrett: Oh, Okay.

Yury: But police said the whereabouts of the tiger are not yet known, uh, excuse me. Like what’s that? Can you repeat that chief? Oh boy.

Garrett: Hey Yury, you know what, since you decided we were going to do an express episode and you decided we’re just going to play, fill in the dumb. I’m going to ask you a question now because you know what? I pulled some really great articles and I’m just going to turn them into fill in the dumb questions. Are you ready this time?

Yury: Let’s do it my man!

Garrett:  This first question for you Yury is, oh, by the way, before I get into the first question, I guess that means. I have zero points.

Yury: Zero points.

Garrett:  Cause I didn’t get that one right now.

Yury: We probably didn’t even have to play to come to that conclusion.

Garrett: Dammit. All right. My first question to you, then Yury. A Russian woman has reportedly killed her husband with her blank.

Yury: Oh, this is going to be good.

Garrett: Your possible answers are her knees, her mouth or her butt.

Yury: She killed someone with her knees,

Garrett: Not someone, her husband.

Yury: She killed her husband with her knees, her mouth or her butt. Knees, like head shoulders, knees, and toes, husband’s dead.

Garrett: That may be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard you do on this podcast, man. That was, that was perfect.

Yury: Uh, okay. Let me think here. Okay. Knees, I can get, because in martial arts, they teach you how to, you know, do like knee strikes. Mouth, unless she’s using like a blow dart system. Can I ask a follow up question?

Was there anything outside of her knees, mouth or butt used in the murder of her husband?

Garrett: Nope! It was one of those three body parts.

Yury: How do you kill somebody with your

butt? Oh boy. If I had to guess, which I’m very unable to do at this point in the question,

Garrett: You see how hard this game is to be on the other side?

Yury: Yeah. These are pretty difficult. These are pretty good. Uh, I would have to say, with their butt.

Garrett: So Yury locks in with their butt. Well, Yury you’ll be happy to know that a large Russian woman has reportedly killed her husband with, her buttocks.

Yury: Oh boy. And how, how did this happen, scientifically?

Garrett: A large Russian woman is facing some heavy-duty justice for sitting on her husband and strangling him to death with her massive buttocks during a boozy dispute, according to a report filed.

Yury: Wow.

Garrett: So. It sounds like there was a little bit of alcohol involved. They got into an argument

Yury: And, she sat on him.

Garrett:  And she sat on him and killed him.

Yury: That’s unreal. So did she get arrested and charged for this?

Garrett: Yes. Not only was she arrested and charged for it. Uh, she’s already gone to trial and she was convicted of causing death by negligence, after a murder charge was thrown out.

Yury: Do you think they listed her butt as a weapon?

I think that gets me a point.

I think we’re up a one zero, correct?

Garrett: Dammit, even when we’re just playing against each other. I still can’t beat this game. What the hell?

Yury: One day we should do a live stream of just me and you playing monopoly.

Garrett:  Do you think people would join that one.

Yury:  Absolutely not. I’m not even sure we would join that one, but

Garrett: Our Patreon subscribers might.

Yury: We, we could, if you’d like to come and play a game of monopoly with us, we’re not going to do that. Absolutely not for my second question. After a leopard escaped a Chinese zoo, they used blank, to attempt to locate the large cat .And your answers are 100 chickens, scented candles, or 55 pounds of mint gum. What do you think?

Garrett:  All right. First of all, I’m sensing a theme in your stories here. We had a tiger in the first one, and now we’re talking about a leopard.

This is turning out to be an interesting fill in the dumb game.

Yury: I’d say so.

Garrett: Alright, uh, attempting to locate the lost large cat in a Chinese zoo. A hundred chickens, scented candles or 55 pounds of mint gum.

Yury: Correct.

Garrett: What in the hell would you, first of all, how do you get 55 pounds of mint gum? Like, I can’t even fathom what that would look like.

Yury: Screw that. How do you lose a leopard?

Garrett: Okay, well that’s fair.

Yury: Can you imagine the employee, like the night shift employee, like, “Do you guys see a large cat?” “Why?” “No reason.”

Garrett:  Yeah. That guy over there is riding it.

Yury: Yeah.

Garrett: All right, a hundred chickens or scented candles or 55 pounds of mint gum. I already said that, but I’m going to say it again.

Yury: Keep buying, keep buying time. Keeps stalling.

Garrett: I’m stalling, because I’m trying to think, cause this is such a good question. I literally have no idea. You know what Yury? I think they used a hundred chickens because they were trying to lure the leopard back with the promise of meat. So I’m going to lock in with 100 chickens.

Yury: Well, for the first time in your life, you are correct. 

Well, in china officials are hunting for an escaped leopard in the outskirts of Eastern China. After a leopard escaped a safari park, and they’ve used many methods to find the cat, including deploying a small army of drones and finally releasing a hundred live chickens as bait, in an attempt to lure the cat to the area.

Garrett: I have so many questions on that one.

Yury: Poor chickens man.

Garrett: First one, where did you get the a hundred live chickens from? That’s my first question. And second, how many chickens did it actually take to get the leopard back?

Yury: I guess I’m more concerned with, out of all the smart people that I’m sure work at the zoo. Their best plan of attack was to basically recreate the scene from drastic park where they’re trying to get the T-Rex to come out. Right?

Garrett: I totally forgot about that. You’re absolutely right.

Yury: So they’re like, yeah. Throw some live chickens out there and see if, uh, the leopard comes out.

Garrett: It worked in the movie. Why wouldn’t it work for us?

Yury: Right. But again, you got, you got leopards running around China. You got tigers running around Houston. What’s going on in the world.

Garrett: Your last question, Yury. A Florida man has gone on a road rage shooting. Oh, look, we’re in Florida. Again. We had to get to Florida right?

Yury: I don’t, I don’t think we get to Florida. I think the world just keeps us in Florida.

Garrett: Florida comes to us

Yury: .com

Garrett: All right, well, what’d you say

Yury: I said, Florida comes to us .com

Garrett: Florida, if you’d like to sponsor our podcast, we’re still open to hearing from you.

All right. So a Florida man has gone on a road rage shooting after a blank was thrown at his truck. And your possible answers are. A banana, a pregnant adult cat, or a bouquet of flowers. What are you thinking on this?

Yury: I have so many questions. First of all, who gets mad, if somebody throws a banana at your car? Unless, it’s like Wiley coyote or something like nobody’s getting that upset.

Garrett: Now, remember. Regardless of what answer you choose. We are in Florida.

Yury: It’s all plausible.

Garrett: Exactly.

Yury: It’s all plausible. All right. Let me think here. So you got a banana, you said an adult pregnant cat

Garrett: That’s correct.

Yury: Or a bouquet of flowers.

Garrett:  Yep. One of those three things caused this guy to go on a complete road rage shooting.

Yury: Okay. Well, bouquet of flowers, first of all, I’ve bought several bouquets of flowers for my wife and they are not cheap. They are not cheap. Um, so throwing a bouquet of flowers out of your window at another car, that’s just like throwing money at somebody’s car.

Garrett: Totally agree. Would never do that.

Yury: By the way. Can someone explain to me why a bouquet of flowers always ends up being like $7,500 when you’re ordering from the flower places?

That’s a discussion for another episode regardless. All right. I don’t think it’s the bouquet of flowers. Okay. Bouquet. What do you think bouquet or bouquet?

Garrett: I don’t know. I’m the person who can’t say, I say coupon and everybody makes fun of me for it because apparently it’s coupon and not coupon, but whatever.

Yury: Coupon? Coupon? Wow, you’re saying it wrong. It’s coupon.

Garrett: No, it’s right. It’s coupon.

Yury: Coupon coupon. No it’s coupon.

Coupon. We should just do it we should do, we should just do this for like 45 minutes.

Garrett: I can just see everybody clicking the stop button on their player and they’re like, yeah, fuck this.

Yury:  Yeah. And then there’s an adult pregnant cat.

Garrett: That’s right.

Yury: First of all, how would you even know? How would anybody even know that it was a pregnant cat, let alone a cat? Like you could have said they threw a cat at my car, but I wouldn’t be in the car and be like, dude, did you see that car? They just threw a pregnant cat at her car. That would be odd.

Garrett: I mean, I’m just saying either that’s what happened in the article and they knew about it after the fact, because they threw a pregnant cat.

Or I just made that up.

Yury:  I’m thinking you just made that up because nobody’s doing, you know, after the fact testing to see if the cat was pregnant, that’s not like a crime enhancement, like, oh, the cat was pregnant.

Garrett: Are you actually giving me that much credit thinking? I could make something like that up?

Yury:  Kind of, uh, I’m going to go with banana because that seems the most ludicrous thing to get mad over. Uh, and if it made the news, yeah, I’m going to lock in banana. Final answer.

Garrett: Congratulations, Yury, you’re right. A Florida man has gone into road rage shooting after a banana was thrown at his truck.

Yury: Bananas, man bananas. It’s like, it’s like Mario cart and they’re really getting mad at each other because they’re throwing bananas at each other.

Garrett: It’s real life, Mario kart, there’s banana peels on the road or whatever.

Yury:  I’ll tell you if I’m driving down the road and somebody throws a banana at me, I’m turning right back around and I’m throwing a turtle shell.

Garrett: Well, according to the article, uh, this driver was reportedly driving and began arguing with another driver. And the other driver allegedly threw a piece of banana at his pickup truck. And things just escalated from there.

Yury:  I wouldn’t go as far as to say they escalated. They more like deescalated from there because you really bringing the bar up high. When you throw a banana at somebody.

Garrett: The banana it’s thrown at him, the guy in his truck pulls out a hand gun and shoots at the other guy’s truck.

Yury: Yeah, he kicked it up a notch.

Garrett: Yeah. Caused his passenger window to shatter and a piece of glass reportedly lodged into the other driver’s leg. The article goes on to say, don’t worry, he’s expected to make a full recovery. My favorite part about this story, Yury, the gunman gets booked into jail, but the charges are you ready?

Like, okay. What do you think he’s booked into jail for? What were the charges?

Yury: Aggravated banana peel in the second degree,

Garrett: Close the charges, were shooting a deadly missile into an occupied vehicle and criminal mischief.

Yury: Shooting a deadly missile.

Garrett: Deadly missile.

Yury: Because the banana, I wouldn’t, would you call it a deadly missile? Like could a banana be a deadly missile? I guess if you got it in their face and they crashed their car.

Garrett: I mean, if you throw it hard enough, anything can be a deadly missile. Right?

Yury:  I’m going to go ahead and sum it all up to Florida laws are going to be beyond my understanding. So I will agree with you that it could be a deadly missile in Florida.

Garrett: Well, that about wraps it up for this express episode. Thanks for joining us. Yury, thanks for coming up with questions that I still couldn’t answer.

Yury: I mean, you could probably say that every week and we could just use the same clip because I don’t think next week’s going to be any different.

Garrett: Yeah. Remember if you want to interact with us, reach out to us on the social media is @ThisWeekIsDumb.

Call us on the FANDUMB line eight eight, eight FANDUMB that’s eight eight, eight F A N D U M B. And if your voicemail is funny enough, we’ll put you on the next episode. We’ve gotten a few voicemails Yury, but they haven’t been funny enough to come on. So we haven’t really played them.

Yury: Yeah dumberonies, be funnier.

Garrett: Yeah. Step up your game. Come on now, really.

Yury: Make sure you’re not throwing deadly missile banana peels at each other. Right?

Garrett: Sounds like a plan to me. You can also find us at dumbweek.com where you can reach out to us, create an account, interact with other listeners of the show, all sorts of fun stuff out there for you.

Yury: All right guys, see you next week.

Garrett: See you next week.

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